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For the first time ever, I properly threw myself into Eurovision this year. I have never really been into it too much, as I believe that the competition is far too political to come up with a fair winner. Saying that, last year’s Loreen won with the amazing ‘Euphoria’, a track that, to this day, is still a regular on my playlist. So I thought I would tune in. And I was pleasantly surprised. For the most part, the music was really good. The winner, Denmark, was easily the best song and other songs worthy of checking out were Malta and Russia.

However, they were at one end of the spectrum. As expected, there was the usual rubbish. Today, I have hand-picked the three creepiest songs, because you really do need to have them in your life. Like a horror movie, watch them once and then relive them every night in your nightmares. Oh, also, if any of the commenters want to go on a political rant about how Great Britain was conned out of the title, because every other country hated us, this year we did not deserve it. Bonnie Tyler showed up drunk for her entry (AMY!)

Oh yeah, about the (AMY!s) littered around this article. My girlfriend has gotten tired of me stealing her jokes all the time and therefore has asked me to credit her with a little (AMY!) next to every one of her jokes. This could, potentially, get very embarrassing…

3 – BELGIUM – LOVE KILLS

Belgium’s entry was noted for having the youngest performer of the evening. The song was highly anticipated on the night, because it had a British song-writer (frankly, I see this as cheating, but I can hardly blame the Brits for jumping from a sinking ship). In fairness, the song opens very well. It sounds like the Wanted’s slower love songs. It could easily chart quite high in Britain. I settled back into my seat, content with listening to this song. Then the dancers kicked in…

Turn to the 0:45 mark. As Roberto Bellarosa sings, his dancers pop out from behind him, like some weird ‘Smack the Rat!’ game at the arcade. At first, it’s funny, but then the emptiness of their faces kick in. They are puppets for the song and are being forced to dance by their masters. Then they break away and begin, what can only be described as ‘womb-stroking’ (AMY!)

They return to behind his shoulder and then start popping out from behind him again, only this time they look like curious birds, grooming him (AMY!). After that, the creepiness dials down a little, but carry on watching if you want to see some mildly amusing dance moves from the two women. I am assuming this was not meant to be creepy, but the producers only just realised they needed choreography a few moments before going onto the stage.

2 – ROMANIA – IT’S MY LIFE

If you only watch one video in this article, please make it this one. This is the kind of song, deep down, you wanted to win, because it is pure comedy genius (AMY!). It opens weird enough. Cezar stands on the stage, singing, dressed like Count Dracula (AMY!). He looks creepy as hell, giving the audience, deep, soul-stealing looks. And then the chorus kicks in and hilarity erupts. I mean, belly-aching laughter, so be warned.

It’s part the voice. It is an amazing, unique voice. Watch the video, I am not spoiling it for you, but… just watch the video. It is beautiful. What I will tell you is that the backing dancers appear from the group, nude, and start dancing. And by dancing, they throw themselves around, as though Cezar is controlling them with telekinetic powers. Also, I did appreciate how he ramped up this bizarre freak show with some dubstep for the closing verse. A nice touch that just makes this look like an X Factor audition gone horribly wrong. Seriously, this is what I imagine a Disney music video would be like, if they decided on a camp villain.

1 – FINLAND – MARRY ME!

I appreciated Romania’s creepiness. This one just caused something very unsettling in the pit of my stomach. This is how I imagine cops react, when they stumble across a dead body. They just feel cold and realise that their life will never quite be the same way again.

This song was a bit of a gamble from the artist. This song was meant to be supporting Gay Pride, something Finland isn’t overly keen on. There is a bit at the end where two girls kiss that the government was trying to censor by any means necessary. Personally, I think the entire scandal has been misunderstood. The censors were trying to get rid of this song, not gay couples. A bit more context: the singer, Krista Siegfrids, has been hinting to her boyfriend to propose for some time now. This song was meant to be the one thing to push him into finally getting down on one knee.

Everything about it will chill the heart of any male watching the video. The song itself is creepy. Wedding bells make up the backing track. Her eyes and smile are some of the most terrifying sights in Eurovision history (AMY!) The backing vocalists have dead eyes and smiles plastered on their face, like they have families at home with guns pressed to their heads. Hold onto the final verse, because she ramps up the crazy and looks like she may very well have a mental breakdown there on the stage (AMY!). It is gripping TV.

So there you have it, folks, (AMY!). The Eurovision is a place, where the weirdest parts of European culture can dwell (AMY!) America must be terrified (AMY!)

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