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Let’s play a game. Imagine that you are a wealthy producer with all the money in the world. Also imagine you have a passion for good movies. OK, in this scenario, picture me, a humble, yet insanely good-looking, wannabe writer and director stumbling into your marble-floored office with an aquarium full of Great White Sharks and eels swimming maliciously behind your desk. I shuffle to the desk and sit myself down, while clutching a large clump of paper: scripts and cliff-notes. You raise an inquiring eyebrow, wondering what happened to Miguel, your muscular Sunday masseuse/gigolo.

Before you release the hounds, I explain that I want to pitch you a movie that you might be interested in. I explain about the nightmare story of Movie 43, the gross-out comedy that promised us a movie experience like never before and in reality, was an awkward two hours of watch-watching. You reach for your hound-button one more time, disgusted at the thought of ‘another’ Movie 43 film trying to pitch itself. However, something stops you. A reassuring, disturbingly sexy glint in my eye. You relax your hand. Surely a listen wouldn’t hurt.

Let me begin by listing every actor, who was in Movie 43.

Hugh Jackman, Emma Stone, Richard Gere, Johnny Knoxville, Seann-William Scott, Gerard Butler, Stephen Merchant, Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Kate Winslet, Liev Schreiber, Naomi Watts, Anna Faris, Justin Long, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Kristen Bell, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloe Grace-Moretz, Patrick Warburton, Terrence Howard, Elizabeth Banks, Josh Duhamel and Halle Berry. What you do not do with an awesome cast like that is make a comedy.

My agent wants me to star in.... WHAT?!

My agent wants me to star in…. WHAT?!

OK, let’s put that exact same cast in a movie that isn’t a comedy. I am going to hypothetically go with a gangster/cop movie, as the only movies I can think that handled a cast anywhere near that big before is Pulp Fiction or Sin City. We break those actors into three separate stores (not eight like the original – there will be no time for character development). Sure, some of these actors are going to get little more than glorified cameos, but as long as that is made clear in the advertising of this film, then that shouldn’t become a problem.

One story will be focused on the police department where hero cop Hugh Jackman is living the good life, after saving Emma Stone, an outsider college girl, from crazed lecturer Greg Kinnear. What we don’t know is that Jackman’s partner at the time, Gerard Butler, died in the fire saving her and Jackman stole the glory. So, while living a lie and slowly being corrupted by the guilt, Jackman has to get around a boss, Richard Gere, who is milking the publicity on his department from the event, a suspicious journalist, Halle Berry, and a partner, wise-cracking Patrick Warburton, who needs Jackman’s help, dealing with a crafty hooker, Kristen Bell, who has compelling evidence against him. And at the same time, drug kingpin, Terrence Howard, is making an aggressive move on another dealer’s, an eccentric Uma Thurman’s turf. Also Stephen Merchant shows up to say some funny things.

Meanwhile, college slackers, Justin Long, Johnny Knoxville, Seann-William Scott and Anna Faris decide to skip the education side of life and rob a bank. In order to do this, they rope in computer nerd, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, to help them hatch a plan. Christopher is unsure of the plan, but does it to earn enough money to impress high school sweetheart, Chloe Grace-Moretz. However, his nerves become a growing problem with the group. As the plan escalates, they attract the attention of seasoned bank robber, Liev Schreiber, who decides to cash in on their idea. This story is to bring a little comedy to the story, but it gets respectably dark nearer the end. When they get to the bank, an amusing hostage situation breaks out between the highly-strung bank owner, Jason Sudeikis, and a customer, who is unwilling to go down without a fight, played by Naomi Watts.

If you fund my movie, I will promise you all the naked Gerard Butler your heart could desire.

If you fund my movie, I will promise you all the naked Gerard Butler your heart could desire.

Then we jump to a mysterious organisation. They plan to launch a terrorist attack on America. We only see their group from the enigmatic messengers, Kate Winslet and Dennis Quaid. They instruct their top assassin, Gerard Butler – who survived the fire in the opening scene – to take out politician, Josh Duhamel. Butler is held back by the one person who knows his past and lover, Elizabeth Banks. These three stories escalate and at the end, connect, for one hell of a finale battle.

Also, Emma Stone has a secret that could take the action to the next level…

It seems a bit messy, but if given to the right director (Quentin Tarantino, Zack Snyder, Joss Whedon), it could become a heavily stylised and memorable movie. And would definitely be better than Movie 43. Below in the comments below, let me know if you would willingly invest your imaginary money in this project.

To hell with it, I’m writing up that script right now for fun.

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