Home

EXT. PARK

Two people in the park. PERSON 1 is sneezing a lot and has a
nosebleed.

PERSON 2
Hey man, are you…

PERSON 2 passes out.

PERSON 1
Oh, you thought it would be the
sick guy who becomes the patient
this episode. Oh, we got you good!

CUT TO:

THEME TUNE plays which sounds just like Massive Attack –
Teardrop, but not enough to start a lawsuit.

INT. HOUSE’S TEAM’S OFFICE

FOREMAN
I’ve got a case for you.

HOUSE
Ah good. 13 what is the diagnosis?

TAUB
Uh… 13 isn’t in this series.

HOUSE
Oh. Then who is our female team
member?

TAUB
I’m not sure. They are always
over-emotional and moderately
attractive, so they often just roll
into one for me.

HOUSE
Fair enough. Cameron Park Adams,
check the patient’s blood pressure.

Can I have a real name now?

Can I have a real name now?

CUT TO:

INT. PATIENT’S ROOM

CAMERON PARK ADAMS
I just need to check your blood
pressure.

PATIENT
OK. But first I will tell you a bit
about my life story which will
automatically become a part of the
plot.

CAMERON PARK ADAMS
Oh good, that means I can try and
change your lifestyle choice,
because of my own narrow-minded
view.

PATIENT
Uh-oh. I am having a heart attack.

PATIENT is about to die from heart attack, but the script
cuts away from that scene, so it’s all fine.

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE’S TEAM’S OFFICE

HOUSE
So DDX?

CHASE
The BP suggests it is MS.

TAUB
No, it’s TB. He needs a MRI and
then the OR.

CAMERON PARK ADAMS
But the ROFL suggests LMAO.

HOUSE
All good theories. Let’s give him
enough steroids to kill him.

TAUB
Oh my god, that is lethal. I shall
weakly try and stop you, but give
up almost straight away.

CUT TO:

INT. CUDDY’S OFFICE

HOUSE
Hey, Cuddy. I need to do a dangerous
treatment, so I’ve come to sexually
harass you.

CUDDY
I will do nothing, but the audience
will still respect me as a strong
female figure, despite me never
following through with one of my
major decision.

HOUSE
LOL boobs.

CUT TO:

Hey House. You have short hair this season!

Hey House. You have short hair this season!

INT. MRI ROOM

CAMERON PARK ADAMS
Oh my god, the patient is such a
dick. I hate him.

CHASE
I emphasize with his dickish ways,
because I sleep with lots of women,
which makes me heartless.

TAUB
I feel guilty because something is
going on in my life right now that
makes me feel like a dick like the
patient.

FOREMAN
I don’t care about the subject.
Check me out. Check out how much I
don’t care. That makes me an
interesting character, right?

TAUB
Hey, a mass. Let’s tell House.

FOREMAN
Chase. Cameron Park Adams. You stay
here and watch him.

FOREMAN and TAUB leave.

CAMERON PARK ADAMS
So, Chase. Why do you sleep with
loads of women?

CHASE
Because American TV thinks it needs
a man-whore in every series
otherwise no one will watch it.

CUT TO:

INT. CAFETERIA

HOUSE steals lots of food, while TAUB and FOREMAN pretend
not to notice.

FOREMAN
There was a mass. What could this
mean?

TAUB
It must be environmental.

FOREMAN
Why?

TAUB
That way has loads of red herrings,
so we can boost the running time of
the episode for longer.

HOUSE
CBA. Dexter’s on later and I want
to abuse a coma patient.

TAUB
Lupus?

HOUSE
You’re fired.

FOREMAN
What about Bane Syndrome?

HOUSE
Is that real?

FOREMAN
I just did what we do every episode
and put two words together. It
sounds like a virus.

HOUSE
OK. Go for it.

Bane Syndrome gives you a Sean Connery on helium voice and not quite Darth Vader breathing.

Bane Syndrome gives you a Sean Connery on helium voice and not quite Darth Vader breathing.


CUT TO:

INT. WILSON’S OFFICE

HOUSE
Wilson, I have bad news. Everyone
you know and love has died.

WILSON
What… But how… Auntie Lydia…

Breaks down crying.

HOUSE
Lol joke. I did it, because I am
curious at random things.

WILSON
How can you do that to a person?
That’s it. We are no longer
friends.

HOUSE does his serious face.

HOUSE
But I like you.

WILSON
Oh, alright then. You can be my
friend. Monster trucks?

HOUSE
Monster trucks!

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR

FOREMAN
Black joke. Black joke.

TAUB
Jew joke. Jew joke.

Both pagers go off. Rather than rushing to the patient, they
wait a moment to look dramatically at each other. And then
they run off.

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE’S TEAM’S OFFICE

CAMERON PARK ADAMS
It’s got worse.

HOUSE
It’s cancer.

CHASE
Why?

HOUSE
Because cancer is a scary word that
gets the audience’s attention.

The team file out, sadly. HOUSE sits alone, with serious
face. WILSON comes in.

WILSON
Hey, House. Is it just me or is
cheese awesome?

HOUSE
Cheese! Of course!

Rushes out of room.

CUT TO:

Can I have some character development this season please?

Can I have some character development this season please?

INT. PATIENT’S ROOM

HOUSE
It is (insert made-up illness).

PATIENT
Who are you?

HOUSE
I am Doctor House. I never visit
the patient’s room. Except for this
one time. Honest.

CHASE
You’ve solved what is wrong with
him.

HOUSE makes up a random set of events, which we assume is
amazing, because House had a random light bulb moment.

TAUB
Of course. Cheese. It all makes
sense now.

CAMERON PARK ADAMS
Yes! Case solved. Now, we can cut
to a heart-lifting montage.

HOUSE
No, not this episode. For this
episode, I am going to fade on a
shot of me popping lots of pills.
Hopefully, it will shock the
audience even though I do it all
the time.

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE’S ROOM

HOUSE pops pills at home, hopefully shocking the audience,
even though he does it all the time.

THE END

One thought on “A Typical Episode of House

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s