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After giving Les Miserables a massive five star review, I felt too generous. Aren’t film critics meant to be horrible people, destroying beloved movies over minor plot flaws (see Dark Knight Rises)? Therefore, I have decided to compile a list of films that I think are just plain awful. These films below are not even bad in the ‘funny bad’ sense or even worth watching again, like my last list of bad movies. I watched these three films and got minimal enjoyment out of them. You are welcome to try and sway my mind in the comments below.

3 – KNOWING

I kind of walked into this one, so the painful two hours that passed afterwards could be described as a punishment for my naivety. I have never liked Nicolas Cage, as an actor. He is bland and every since, he discovered ‘crazy face’ in ‘Face-Off’, he has done it in every movie since (seriously, look out for it). He also fails to play just normal people; he has to be eccentric in some shape or form, so he becomes really hard to relate to in a film (the entire purpose of having normal people in cinema). Despite this, he is usually good at choosing movies and most of his films have a fantastic supporting cast (The Rock, Gone in 60 Seconds, National Treasure), therefore they have saved the day. The first hurdle that Knowing falls down at is the simple fact there is no one else to distract me from Nicolas Cage’s painful acting.

This film was a plane crash... IRONY!

This film was a plane crash… IRONY!

In order to fully explain how bad this film is I need to give away the ending, so be warned. The plot revolves around Nicolas Cage as a lecturer, who finds an ancient list of every major disaster predicted: time, location and number of deaths. Once the protagonist realises he can predict these disasters, he tries to stop them: he fails each time. Eventually, he realises he cannot stop these disasters, even the one that will wipe out the entire planet. So, he goes home, hugs his family and the world explodes. The end!

Now, I have never been a huge fan of endings where the world ends anyway. It’s a little too dark for me and I am someone who enjoys deep endings. Add that to the fact that the heroes just kind of accepted their fate and died. This movie would have got a thumbs-up from me, if they somehow stopped these disasters and saved the day.

2 – PRINCE OF PERSIA

The worst game adaptation of all time has got to be Prince of Persia. Prince of Persia holds a special place in my heart, as it was my first Playstation game, therefore I want to see it done right. And they didn’t do it right at all.

It felt more like a re-writing of the Scorpion King than an original film. The tone is completely wrong, taking the dark storyline and putting a comedic edge on it. My memory of the original game is the Prince being trapped in a decaying palace, isolated, except from the occasional meeting with Farah the Princess. The film is the polar opposite of that, having the Prince become one of several ridiculous characters, including the annoying, whiny Princess and the crafty salesman who borders upon racism.

It is an embarrassment from every angle, reworking the story to the point, where it feels like the producers stole elements of the story, rather than tried to replicate it. It sums up everything that is wrong with movies based on games and a warning to every studio that thinks they can cash in on the fan base of a beloved gaming franchise.

1 – THE HULK

The most crushing bad film ever though has to be the Hulk. I remember it well from my childhood. Superhero movies were starting to become a thing with the amazing Spiderman and X-Men movies. When the Hulk was released, I was over the moon. A movie’s worth of a colossal green beast ripping apart the military: it was a premise a ten-year boy like me would love. At that time though, my local cinema did a special deal, where the last week of a film’s time in the cinema was dirt cheap, so I could watch a film for little money, but it would be two months after everyone had seen it. So, basically I waited two months in anticipation. All of my friends kept warning me how bad it was and I ignored them, despite dislike for this movie being pretty universal. My mind couldn’t comprehend how the Hulk film could possibly be a bad movie.

Just... so much Green!

Just… so much Green!

And god, it was. The director, and bear in mind, this was Ang Lee, who has just made the fantastic ‘Life of Pi’, got the feel for this movie so horribly wrong. He based the Hulk’s origins deep in science, that a kid like me had no hope of understanding. I understand that the best hero movies are dark, but the Hulk is the kind of character you need to have fun with. Even the fight sequences felt underwhelming. Quite simply, this film was the most disappointing movie ever for me.

And by contrast, the Incredible Hulk that came out in 2008 was so much better. It wasn’t a great movie, but it was all that was required. A simple plot, great characters and the Hulk tearing up buildings. That’s all I wanted and the first Hulk gave me none of that. Thankfully, the character of the Hulk is safe in Joss Whedon’s hands now, so I don’t think this great character will ever fall so far down again.

One thought on “3 One Star Movies

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